On Your Gift List: You

By: Guest Blogger Keena Hutchens

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Eve….this time of the year usually finds us with tons to do and never enough time to do it in. There’s a lot of hours put in to make sure that the holidays go off without a hitch from planning, decorating, shopping, coordinating schedules; it’s enough to wear you out. I tend to notice a lot of people around this time of year get so caught up in making sure everything is perfect that they don’t have time to enjoy it. Isn’t it sad that that all the things that are supposed to make the holidays fun get turned in to checking off a to-do list that we have to do rather than be activities we want to do? So many people just get so burned out and stressed out by the time everything’s done that they’re just waiting for the holidays to be over, especially when holiday chores are being piled on top of all the other responsibilities you have.

Why do we have this problem every year? Part of the reason is that we feel like we can’t say ‘no’ when people try to add to our to-do list; we feel guilty letting people down and don’t want to be perceived as ‘not up to the challenge’ or like a scrooge. Sometimes we think, ‘well someone has to do it, and if I don’t, it just won’t get done!’ And then there’s the little voice inside our heads that keep comparing what we do to everyone else: “the neighbors have more lights than we do, better put some more up”, “Sarah’s family is going skiing this year, why aren’t we taking a trip?”

I know that during the holiday season we’re barraged with messages of “it’s better to give than to receive” and to think of those who may not have as much as us. Those are very good messages that we need to be reminded of, but not at the cost of becoming so wrapped up in giving that we get become frustrated and irritable or we miss out on how fun this time of year can be. So this year, when you start to feel frazzled, I want you to remember to give time to yourself. Maybe some of the things on your to-do list don’t have to be done. Stop comparing what you do to everyone else; it’s your holidays and if you and your family enjoy them then it doesn’t really matter what the neighbors think. Ask for help even when you don’t think you need it, it makes others feel good to be useful and needed. But when you ask for help, you need to be willing to let that person handle things in their own way instead of nagging at them that they’re not doing it the “right” way; don’t micromanage your volunteers! Most importantly, take time out for yourself. Whether it’s an hour taking a bubble bath or (a personal favorite) really rocking out to songs on the radio (and yes, this often involves air guitar and head banging at stop lights on the way to wherever I’m going) take time to de-stress and let loose doing something that you enjoy. Just a few minutes of “me time” can make you feel refreshed and recharged to handle whatever holiday disaster that comes your way.

Keena is an intern at Meg Cline Coaching and a senior at Salem College.  She is double majoring in Philosophy and Religion in order to learn about other’s perspectives on life.  Her interest in life coaching comes from helping others realize what they want and how to get there. 

Using Gratitude

When Keena and I started working on the November newsletter on gratitude, I really wanted to find an example of someone who had used a gratitude journal to change their life. Fortunately, an internet search for “gratitude journal changed my life” actually turned out to be quite fruitful.

We came across Carla’s website and her post on her a gratitude journal helped her shift her life. I got in touch with Carla and she was gracious enough to answer a few more questions about her experiences. I wasn’t able to include all of them in my post on gratitude, but I loved her story and her words so much I wanted to share them with you. Here’s the rest of my questions and her answers.

iPhone users, check out her applications – a gratitude journal app and a vision board app. This is now only about the 300th time I now wish I had an iPhone! Her blog can be found at here. You will feel this girl’s positivity radiate right out from your computer!

Carla White Q & A:

What first inspired you to start keeping a gratitude journal?

I was on a quest to get out of the funk I was in for two years since my dad suddenly passed away. I was trying everything but getting little results. Then I heard about gratitude journals on a pod cast and gave it a shot. At first it was really hard for me to come up with five things I’m grateful for. I was repeating the same things every day. But in a few weeks my life started to shift and my entries got longer and longer. In just a couple months my life changed completely.

· You mentioned a number of different benefits that you had from keeping your journal, including sleeping better, losing weight, having better personal relationships – do you still the effects of this now that’s it’s been a year later?

Amazingly I’ve been able to keep the weight off, I sleep better than ever and yes, my personal relationships are still going strong. It’s a snowball effect. Everything just seems to get bigger and better. This doesn’t mean I don’t have any issues or struggles in my life. Everyone does. I can handle them so much better and know not to let them get the best of me.

· Has anyone in your life asked your what “your secret was” and if so, do you know if they started a gratitude journal?

Just recently a close friend came to me and said she is going through a divorce. She said “As long as I’ve known you, you seem so together. How do you do it?” The truth is she met me before I started keeping a gratitude journal, but she doesn’t remember me with bags under my eyes, overweight and fed up. She and her daughter both started keeping a journal and it’s really helped them through this divorce so much. In fact, I’ve had quite a few people contact me saying that keeping a gratitude journal has helped them with losing a job, their home, a loved one. I’m so grateful I was able to create a way for others to start a journal so easily.

· I love your idea to make the gratitude journal for the iPhone . I’ve often heard it said that when you find the type of work that you are called to do, it doesn’t even feel like work. Obviously it took a lot of work and pieces of the puzzle for it to come together – were there any moments you questioned what you were doing?

I worked on the Gratitude Journal iPhone app from 5am – 7am before going into my day job and again at night when I got home. Yes, there were quite a few early mornings dragging myself out of bed wondering what sort of madness struck me. I would see other slick looking apps being launched by folks who have been in Silicon Valley and wonder what I was doing. I was in the middle of corn fields and didn’t even have an iPhone! But then I would go to work listening to the news on the radio about our economy and think to myself, “If I can get one person to turn around their life with a gratitude journal, it will be worth it.”

· I’ve read on your blog that you are a student of ‘the secret’ – do you remember the moment when you realized you were coming from a place of negative energy instead of positive energy? What was that aha moment like for you?

It took me quite a while to figure that out. I was on the brink of losing my job, interviewing with a dozen companies none of which resulted in a job offer. I was frustrated thinking, “I’m sending out positive thoughts, why aren’t any of these job coming together for me?” After awhile I realized that the energy I was putting out there wasn’t positive. It was desperate and negative. I started to telling myself little affirmations like “I love life, life loves me,” and “money comes often and easy.” Everyday all day I would say these together with little bits of thanks. It seems like the more I gave thanks, the more the universe gave me to be thankful for. My intentions changed from desperate wishes (like winning the lottery) to soul goals. I wanted to do something that is the highest and best interest for me and those around me. To give back. And again, the more I gave back, the more the universe gave me.

· What message do you share with those who are skeptical about the power of gratitude?

I want to tell them they’re right to be skeptical. I was too. The idea that writing down a few things each day will change my life seemed ridiculous. Especially in an age when we’re told you need to spend a lot of money and time to change. And we need to top it off with some prescription medicine too. I’ll be honest with you. It won’t work if you only do it here and there for a couple days. You need to do it everyday for at least one month. A shift will happen. It most likely won’t be in the way that you imagine it to. But that’s ok. Trust that the universe is working for you and it will. Just keep telling it what you’re thankful for so it knows what to keep giving you. You’re having a conversation with the universe all day anyway, why not take control of it?

· What’s your next project?

My career is delving deeper into spirituality the power of the universe. I’m working with some incredible life coaches, creating more life improving iPhone apps, and have a couple writing projects in the works. I’m also helping others get their apps off the ground through books, presentations and coaching. Everyday more and more opportunity comes knocking on my door – quite a difference from just a year ago when I was desperate for find a job!

Decision by Decision

Last week I was coaching one of my favorite clients who I just love for her “a-ha” moments – her eyes light up, and she catches herself saying something that we both know is one of those thoughts that has to be immortalized on paper and looked back on for inspiration at the ready. I was asking her to imagine herself on Oprah 5 years from now, reflecting on her weight loss journey. What lesson would she have taken from this journey? How would she summarize it? Her answer, I could tell, moved both of us.

“I would say it was a journey made decision by decision.”

I LOVE this. I just recently read that we make, on average, 250 decisions a day about food. (Mindless Eating, Brian Wansink, PhD.) 250 decisions! If only we were all so aware as to realize that this journey is made decision by decision.

Today, I was reflecting on the fact that I’ve gotten out of some of my regular habits and I haven’t been feeling my absolute best. The most major change is that since March I’ve been traveling a ton – both for work and for fun – and I haven’t had a really consistent exercise schedule. I realized that I really miss running and lifting on a regular basis. Along with my more erratic exercise schedule, changes in my husband’s schedule as he shifted from medical student to resident have meant that I’m “accountable” to cooking less often and have gotten in a habit of grazing for dinner more often. I’ve never been a huge fan of dinner, but I’m finding that my “eh why bother” attitude has translated to less grocery shopping, thus more eating out and more grabbing whatever is around. (Tonight’s dinner? 2 apples, 1 peach, a bunch of broccoli and a chunk of bread. Eaten over the course of about 3 hours, and I almost didn’t realize I was eating. Result: I’m full but unsatisfied.)

I was out running my dog tonight and the cool night air felt perfect as I slipped through it at a very comfortable running pace. I was enjoying hearing the sound of my feet rhythmically hitting the pavement, and my breath coming in regular, consistent patterns. I thought to myself, “You know, I really need to get back to running regularly. And I should probably get back to my more regular shopping/cooking habits. I need to get back on track. I’ll start tomorrow.”

Heard that quote before? I almost laughed out loud at myself, because I’ve done the “start tomorrow” thing one too many times. Wait a second, COACH? Aren’t you the one who talks about there is no “start” and “stop” or “being good” or “being bad”? Ahh yes, I HAVE uttered those words… just a few hundred times. It’s old programming, and it was easy to fall back into.

There is this pervasive, convoluted thinking that there is a finite “start” and “stop” to the habits that make us the healthy beings we are always striving towards. And I know this because I was there, for a long, long time. And I know this, because I find that if I’m not intentional, that type of thinking worms its way back into my mind and hangs out just begging to be noticed.

I thought of my client. Decision by decision. Here is my next decision: I will run a little bit longer. My next decision? What to pack for lunch. My next decision? When to go to sleep. Decision by decision, I will seek out the healthy behaviors that have, in the past, made me feel my best. The behaviors that are conducive to my best self. There is no start tomorrow, or next week, or after vacation. There is simply “What is my next decision?”

What is your next decision?

Feed the Hunger

I mentioned Oprah’s Best Life Week in a long ago post and I wanted to talk about a statement she made in her interview on Monday of that week that I keep on thinking about – almost half a year later. As she talked about her own struggles with weight, she said “Anybody who struggles with weight is hungry for something else.”

I’ve been entrenched in the world of weight loss, professionally and personally, for almost a decade. I’ve heard a lot of things said about people who struggle with their weight, most hurtful and a far cry from the truth. Oprah, no big surprise here, knows what she’s talking about. For about 20% of the people I work with, weight loss is merely a matter of understanding how many calories they need and how many calories are in the foods they eat. They get the formula, the book, the log and off they go. For the majority, eating in excess (and a deficit of activity) may indeed be one part lack of knowledge, but is a greater part emotionally driven. It’s not about willpower, about being lazy, about being stupid or all the other things we’ve all heard said (probably most often from none other than Yourself) – it’s about discovering and understanding, as Oprah, said what you’re really hungry for.

It could be as simple as more sleep or as profound as more love. It could be as benign as a cure for boredom or as complex as a cure for low self-worth.

Many people fear being hungry when they’re trying to lose weight, but the fact is that stomach growling hunger is much easier to deal with then love-hunger, security-hunger, self-worth-hunger, companionship-hunger, peace-hunger, calm-hunger, or whatever else you are starving for. Feeding that hunger with food – food that is so readily available and inexpensive in our country – is a learned habit. Can you un-learn a habit? Of course… but not without support, introspection, determination and the choice to build a new habit.

Oprah has bared her hunger and declared herself willing to try and feed it in a way that supports her health. Are you ready to find and feed your hunger?

More articles on emotional eating:
Stress Eating
Cravings

The Ticket

Every day on my way to work I pass a lottery billboard that says what the current jackpot is. Many days I entertain myself on my drive by going through in my head what I would do if I won the jackpot. I must confess, I am nerdy enough to reduce the jackpot down to my approximate guess at it’s after-tax value, and then the first 3 designations of the jackpot go to the not-insignificant student debt carried by our household. Then the fun begins – often I send my parents and my in laws on various vacations (separately), I shuffle between two or three different cars for my husband, choose candidates for seed money among friends or family members who I know have school and/or business dreams, secretly gift siblings or other deserving friends, and then I usually end my spree with a pair of really fantastic jeans and the hiring of a good financial adviser. Or something along these lines.

This game amuses me, and usually occupies me for at least two-thirds of my commute. However, in nearly 3 years of the commute and the same game, I have yet to buy a lottery ticket. In fact, I’ve never bought one in my life. One more fact? I would have no idea how to buy a lottery ticket and I’m slightly intimidated by all the choices. So despite the rapture that the “how I’d spend my winnings” game brings me, I’ve never once taken pursuit towards the first step that would move me closer to being a jackpot winner.

Why? Until today, I never really thought about it, but when I got right down to it I realized that the reason I’ve never bought a ticket is that I honestly and truly believe that I’d never win the jackpot.

The more I thought about it, I discovered it goes a little deeper than that. I can dig way back into the archives of my memory and remember someone in my family – my dad? – saying “The lottery? That’s a tax on stupidity.”

Is it any wonder I’ve never bought a ticket?

Limiting beliefs are beliefs we hold to be true, without facts or proof, that stop us from taking action. My limiting belief that I’d never win the lottery is exactly what has prevented me from ever buying even a scratch off. While some might argue that my 20 minute rhapsody of “my life, jackpot winner” is nothing more than a whimsical daydream, many people spend three or four times that amount of energy mentally dwelling on what they’d do, who’d they be, where they’d go and how their life would change if they only lost weight. If they had the body they wanted. The energy. The health they dreamed of. If they won the body lottery.

Limiting beliefs exist here too. Just like my lottery fantasy, the daydream bubbles away and it’s back to reality. “Sure, that’d be nice,” I think, as I turn into the parking lot and face the day, “But, I’d never win.” “Sure, that’d be nice,” they say, as the daydream bubbles away and they’re faced with reality. “But, I’ll never weigh that. I’ll never have that body. I’ll never be able to walk up stairs without knee pain. Run a 5k. Get rid of these blood pressure medications. Escape diabetes. Wear the same size I wore before kids. Feel happy in my body.”

Is it any wonder they don’t buy the ticket? The first step towards anything you daydream about is is next to impossible if you don’t truly believe that the outcome is yours for the taking.

Limiting beliefs can hold you back from taking the first step. Here are examples of limiting beliefs I have heard my clients and others say regarding weight loss:
- It’s genetic, I’m just doomed to be overweight. (So why bother?)
- I will regain the weight I lose. (So why bother?)
- I have failed at thousands of diets before. (So I will fail if I try again.)
- Weight loss is so depriving. (So I’m not going to do it.)

Combating a limiting belief is not impossible, but it requires intention. Imagine if you were trying to help a child shake a belief you knew was not true but were steadfast believers. “There are monsters in my closet!!!” How would you do it? You might try to show them proof that their belief was not true. “Look here,” you would say as you held the closet door open wide…”no monsters!” Chances are, it would take a couple times of showing them the proof before the belief would begin to loosen it’s hold.

The same is true for our limiting beliefs. Seek proof that your belief may not be true. Are there people you know who have lost weight, despite having parents or siblings who remain overweight? Are there people you have heard who have lost weight in a way that didn’t sound so depriving? Are there people you know who have done thousands of diets and then found a different way to succeed at weight loss? (I can give you the answer to THAT one!) Yes, you may be able to find plenty of proof that supports your limiting belief. But once you also find proof that your limiting belief is not necessary FACT, you will find relief as a barrier from moving forward dissolves.

So if you’ve found yourself daydreaming of something, but not moving forward, then go and prove yourself wrong. I’ll be over here looking up past lottery winners. I might just even find myself with a ticket in hand.

The Catch

Shoot, I need to get an oil change. I wonder when I can go. Maybe Thursday? No, definitely not Thursday, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment Thursday and that meeting is on Friday so I better leave some time to prepare for that. I’m so not prepared for that. I need to email Joe and see where the numbers are for that. I wonder if our tax return is ready yet. I need to pay our water bill I think. Crap, I need to get to the grocery store too. I don’t know what I’m cooking for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll just get pizza. That’s not very healthy though, can’t eat that. But, blech, I’m so sick of chicken. I need to lose some weight. These pants are way too tight. I hate the way they look. I hate the way I LOOK. I need to go to the gym. My knee hurts. I wonder who’s going to get kicked off American Idol tonight. I’m so tired. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late watching TV last night.

What? Don’t tell me you haven’t heard a similar diatribe play in your own head before? I swear, whenever I stop to actually pay attention to the running stream of consciousness in my head, I often find if I’m not monitoring it, it’s like having an email inbox with no spam filters. It’s like a free for all of thoughts, with no limitations on what I actually want there.

There’s a concept in the field of personal development called the law of manifestation (or sometimes called the law of attraction.) The general premise of this law is that “Like Attracts Like,” or that all thoughts have an energetic field to them and whatever thought you’re putting out there creates results around the energy of that thought, whether positive or negative. If you accept that, the next premise – the negative thought attracts negative outcomes – is where I find we tend to get a little stuck. It’s like waking up in the morning, stubbing your toe and thinking “AGGGH. This is going to be a crappy day.” And guess what? It usually is.

We’re all constant thought-machines and playing the bait and switch on your thought processes all day can be overwhelming. I talk about the process of TFA for creating big picture positive thoughts (to create positive emotions) but there’s a game I play with myself on a more minute-by-minute basis to switch myself out of stream of consciousness mode when I’m focused on all the things I “don’t want” – to do lists, worries, frustrations, annoyances, stressors.

I call it “The Catch.” I call it that because the first step is catching yourself in the moment of having a negative thought… or thoughts. For myself, it’s often times a physical cue that I’m getting into negativity mode – an uneasy, tense feeling in the pit of my stomach, or I’ll find my hand has flown up to rub the back of my neck (for me: an immediate signal that my body is going into STRESS MODE, alert the cortisol pumps!!!). Or, of course, an overwhelming desire to turn the car immediately into the Starbucks drive through and get a mocha frappuchino. (Light, with no whip of course, BUT STILL.)

I slam the brakes on my thoughts (and my car) as soon as I catch them and immediately ask myself this question: So, what DO I want?

It’s an easy question to answer, and as soon as I shift my focus away from what I don’t want, what I lack, what I fear, what I worry about to what I hope for, what I have plenty of, what I celebrate, what I am confident in, the mood shift is immediate. My focus shifts to gratitude, optimism, excitement and peace of mind. The knot in my stomach releases, the tension disappears from my neck and my car stays on its due course. When you focus on what you want, you start noticing when you’re getting what you want. When you focus on what you have plenty of, you wallow in gratitude and the feeling of security. When you start celebrating, you find joy in the every day. Focusing on the positive is hardly a concept anyone can argue against for better living; but I often find the challenge is getting yourself to make the switch. It doesn’t have to be so difficult. Just catch, then ask. “What do I want?”

Whether or not you believe “Like Attract Like,” I promise you, you have nothing to lose by focusing on thoughts that generate positive emotions. Start today: Catch. Ask. Shift. Enjoy the benefits.

Perspective

Fear: The Real Four Letter Word

I was shy. I was one of those kids who turned the color of a radish whenever I raised my hand in class to talk. I actually did homework during study halls because I was too nervous to strike up a conversation with people I didn’t know.

In 4th grade, I desparately wanted to be on student council. But to get elected, you had to stand up in front of the classroom and make a speech. For the other candidates, this task appeared to be the most natural thing in the world. When I stood up to talk, I shook. I got clammy. My teeth chattered. The air turned 90 degrees and humid in an instant. To this day, I don’t know what I said. All I remember is that I lost – dreadfully. The teacher kept a tally on the chalkboard, and I had two votes. Since I voted for myself, I can only imagine that perhaps she gave me an extra tic mark so I wouldn’t feel quite so pitiful. Immediately after we raised our heads from the desk and I saw the tally, the embarassment overwhelmed me. I excused myself to the nurse’s office and somehow talked her into calling my mom to come pick me up.

This was my first experience with public speaking and it only went downhill from here for the next 13 years straight through grad school.

Yet as I write this today, I just finished leading two groups at WFU. I will do one more in about 20 minutes and then will pack up and head over to the YMCA, where I’ll lead another group after dinner. Over the last two years, I have led close to 275 classes and workshops. They have ranged from 3 people to 50 people. This is an astronomical number for someone’s who has nearly a decade of proven flight-or-fight responses to all incidents of public speaking, ranging from 60 minute thesis defenses to 30 second ice breaker introductions at book clubs.

To be honest, I am not entirely sure how this happened. But somewhere along the way it became easier and then at some point, completely comfortable. Because I so passionately love the message I am trying to share, today I would crawl up on a rooftop with a bullhorn if I had the opportunity. I truly believe one of the greatest barriers to weight management is the lack of education about the basic principles about weight loss and so the more groups I lead, the greater numbers I can reach with this message. My fear diminished when I chose to move forward when faced with the opportunity to do something I believed in.

Mind you, it didn’t disappear – it diminished. Last week I was a presenter for a conference for the Area Agency of Aging. This was the biggest group I had ever been in front of and involved a microphone and a podium and a whole bunch of people counting on me to provide their continuing education credits. Was I nervous? You bet. Clammy hands and humid room all over again. Each time I click on a power point, there’s still a little worry in the back of mind – “will they like what I have to say? will it be useful to them?” But with each click of the slide, my fear fades into the background as I grow energized with a feeling that this – being someone who shares the message of health education – is my greater purpose.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said “Do one thing every day that scares you.” For whatever reason, it is often the thing we fear the most that has the greatest reward. How many times have we fallen short of what we are divinely capable of because we choose inaction out of fear?

There is much to fear when it comes to attempting a lifestyle change as great as weight loss. What if it’s hard? What if I’m hungry all the time? What if I have to give up my favorite foods? What if it changes holidays for my family? Going out to eat with my friends? What if I lose weight and regain it? What if I fail?

Moving forward in the face of that fear is where you tap into something greater than yourself and that power is beyond measure. When you recall the moments in your life that give you the greatest feeling of pride and satisfaction, can you recall whether you had any hestitation about taking the steps towards that achievement?

Most of us will find, with reflection, that the most rewarding things we have done in our life required one gigantic leap of faith to get started followed by daily steps of faith to keep going.

There’s no guarantee that I won’t fall flat on my face in this next class. There’s no guarantee that my powerpoint projector won’t work and I’ll have to wing it. (It’s happened today.) There’s no guarantee that someone in my group won’t be vehemently and vocally opposed to what I have to say. (Has also happened.) There is no guarentee that someone won’t fall asleep. (Happens ALL the time.) Each day I stand up in front of a group, I take a leap of faith that what I have to say will empower, educate and delight someone.

And if it doesn’t, at least I can say that you will no longer find me in the nurse’s station.

Food For Thought: What one thing have you been putting off out of fear? What is the actual, worst case scenario that could happen? How likely is that to really happen? What are you missing out on by not taking action? I challenge you to try one thing tomorrow that scares you.