September 23, 2010
It’s a scene out of a college brochure: 20 of us sitting underneath a large oak tree on a beautiful green campus, with brick buildings covered in ivy as a backdrop. We’re discussing Siddhartha, or at least 19 of us are.
I am desperately willing myself not to start crying.
I’m so homesick that thoughts of my house, my bed, my dog, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, even my clothes-stealing-sister wash over me in waves. I will myself to choke back the lump in my throat, and to nod attentively when it seemed appropriate.
I was 17 years old, and it was my 2nd day out of a 3 week stay at a camp in Boston and I was miserably homesick.
The feeling passed, of course, and the experience went on to be one of the highlights of my teenage years. It did everything that a life-changing cliché experience is supposed to do: pushed me past my comfort zone. Stretched my confidence. Made new friends. Appreciated the life I had. Learned to embrace change.
Ok, scratch that last one. There are some people who run downhill open-armed at change and embrace it with the ferocity of seeing an old friend. Then there are people like me, who threw a fit at 8 years old about going to Hawaii…. because it meant not going to the same condo in Myrtle Beach we had gone to for the 7 prior years of my life.
I like routines. I like going to bed at the same time, waking up at the same time. Running on the same days. Seeing the same people. Buying the same groceries. I thrive in patterns, in predictability and consistency.
Change, of course, is constant and good for you and something I’ve forced myself to get used to because you have to. Like eating broccoli and cleaning the pink mold out of toilet, you just accept that it’s something you better do.
My experience at nerd camp armed me so when the same tidal waves of homesickness hit me my first week of college, I steeled myself with the knowledge they would past. When I moved to Durham for an internship by myself. To Spain. To Baltimore, for grad school. Every big change in my life has been marked by the same pattern: excitement as the event approaches, dread the moment I arrive, doubt as I sink into it, fear that I’ve made a mistake and I’ll never be happy again, and patience to know that feeling will pass.
It always passes, and the new experience is everything that new experiences are meant to be. Even Hawaii was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
It’s been almost two weeks of working my new job, and while I’m past the first-day-jitters, I’m still sort of bobbing along somewhere in between doubt and patience. With each experience and with maturity has come the recognition that, by virtue of being in charge of my thoughts, I’m also in charge of how quickly I move through each stage of the change. It’s hard to leave comfort, predictability and routine behind – even when it really wasn’t working for you anymore.
Fortunately, I now know that my days under the oak tree fighting off my longing for what’s familiar will be numbered, and in a matter of days, weeks or maybe even months, I’ll be settled in and wondering what all that fuss was about anyways.
September 3, 2010
When is “good enough” good enough?
The answer: almost all the time.
I don’t know who made up these rules: “No pain, no gain.” “IF you didn’t’ come to win, you shouldn’t have come at all.” Listen, giving 150% is awesome. It really is. But if the expectation is that you HAVE to give 150% to play at all, then you might be missing out on the game.
Most of us have many things we’d like to start doing or do more of. Exercise. Cooking. Writing. Meditating. Blogging. (Ahem, self). Putting the new website out there. Starting a business. Networking. Updating the resume. Spending more time with the kids. Eating healthy. The list of self-improvement can be long and daunting. But often there exists the expectation that unless we can’t do something all out, we shouldn’t bother doing it all. Or, that we should wait until it’s the right time. Newsflash: it’s never the right time. Perfectionism breeds procrastination.
When is “good enough” good enough?
Let me give you an example from one of my coaching clients (given with her permission, of course.) My client and I were talking about exercise, and why she wasn’t feeling excited about exercising right now. We were going through different scenarios when she mentioned “You know, I don’t mind working out. I like being at the gym. It’s just how I feel afterwards – like I need a 2 hour nap – that makes me want to avoid going.”
Well, that shed some light on the subject! I know I would avoid going too if a 1 hour gym session led to a 2 hour nap… who has time to do that? All kudos to Jillian Michael – you all know I adore her – but if you feel like you need to work out like you’ve got Jillian screaming at you every time, you just might find your motivation to keep going would wane too.
This persistent idea that “if you’re not going to give it your all, then don’t give it at all” can sometimes do more harm than good. I fully recognize the value of pushing yourself past the limits you’ve set for yourself – but we can only push past those limits if we show up consistently enough to test them!
My client mentioned that there was a park about a mile away from her house, and she really liked jogging to it. However, she always felt like that wasn’t enough, so she hadn’t really considered that an option. Sure, giving 150% is awesome. But doesn’t 50% still beat 0%? With this new mindset in place to try out, she could feel her resistance to exercise start to diminish.
You’re always capable of doing more than you realize… but you’ll never get a chance to find out if you don’t create a situation that encourages you to just do in the first place. Turns out that “good enough” is a perfectly “good enough” place to start.
August 3, 2010
Sitting on the car seat next to me is 3 pages of detailed, hand-written notes. I keep eye-balling them suspiciously. They’re coming home with me but I haven’t fully decided what happens after that. These are notes I took today during a call with a dog behavioral trainer named Karen. I could tell immediately when talked to Karen that she knew what she was talking about and that the program she was walking me through would work. You know, your gut will tell you when someone is being a snake charmer and when they are truly passionate and knowledgeable, and Karen was definitely the second.
If you read the “life” section of my blog, then you probably know about my dog Buddy. We got Buddy as a five year old rescue last year, not fully realizing the extent of his separation anxiety. It’s been a challenging year – cleaning “bio-hazardous” materials out of many surfaces of my home, putting my sewing skills to the test to repair curtains, filling scratches in dry wall and last but not least, repairing teeth. (I did not repair the teeth, of course… paying for them to be repaired.) We’ve tried many different strategies, including both medicinal and multiple behavioral strategies but hadn’t had a great deal of progress in the year we had owned him. And of course, we had fallen head over paws in love with him so there was no going back – we’re pretty desperate to help our Buds.
I could tell immediately upon talking to Karen that her plan had the potential to be very effective. So why was I glancing over at my copious pile of notes with something that could only be described as hesitation?
To tell you the truth, Karen’s plan sounded like a lot of work. Not hours upon hours and not “miss a day and fail” but definitely consistent, daily effort. It would require a lifestyle change. And I couldn’t help but wonder, were Matt and I ready to commit to that kind of change? But wait… didn’t we desperately want this outcome? Didn’t I say I would do anything to make this happen? Didn’t I swear if Cesar would come visit me, I would pay for his plane ticket from LA?
It occurred to me that perhaps what I was feeling was similar to what many of my clients might feel when it first dawns on them that the outcome they so desperately want, would do anything for is going to require consistent, daily effort. A lifestyle change.
Whether it’s weight loss, a career change, creating a less stressful lifestyle or altering an anxious doggy’s behavior, we know intuitively it’s going to take effort. So how come when we hold a plan in our hot little hands we often balk?
At first glance, it seems a simple cost vs. benefit analysis. Do I want the outcome (benefit) bad enough to invest the time, money or effort (cost) that it will take to get there? The urgency of our desire weighs into that equation – if you have 10 pounds to lose, do you want the outcome less than someone who has 80 pounds? Maybe. Maybe not. And some of it depends on the cost: if it took 10 minutes a day, would you be more willing to move forward more readily than if it took 40 minutes a day? Maybe. Maybe not.
I’ve seen both of sides of that equation surprise me: I’ve seen people move forward at great cost, and halt at seemingly trivial costs. I’ve seen those with little sense of urgency blaze forward, and the most desperate freeze up. It leads me to believe there’s more at play than a simple cost vs. benefits.
I think what really determines whether or not we move forward with a plan is our readiness to face something big: the fear of failure. What if I invest the time and the money and the effort… and it doesn’t work? What if I fail miserably? What if I disappoint myself? What if I disappoint others? Embarrass myself? Frustrate myself? Fear of failure rears it’s ugly voice and says: “It won’t work. It won’t be enough. It won’t last. Don’t try it.”
What holds us back is not our lack of urgency, not the size of the goal and not even the cost, be it time, money or effort. What holds us back is our fear of failing. Look deeply into whatever change you’ve been desperately wanting to make. If you’ve stopped and started, or never started, or started and wavered – peel back some of the layers and look fear right in the eyes. (It often backs down when you do this.) Ask yourself, what do I really have to lose? Maybe some time. Maybe some money. Maybe some ego. But if I succeed, what do I gain? Not just the outcome you want, but that swagger that comes from moving past the boundary lines you’ve drawn for yourself.
If you don’t try it, then you can always blame being in the same place on that – not making any effort. You can always hold the thought in your back of your head “well one day, when I’m ready…. But until then, at least I know why I’m here.” If you try a plan and it doesn’t work, then what? What if you invest the time and the money and the effort and it’s not the right one? THEN WHAT?
A week ago, I didn’t know Karen existed. I thought I had exhausted every behavioral strategy (and medicinal strategy) for treating a dog with separation anxiety. I felt like I had read every book, every article, every perspective on rehabbing an anxious dog. I was wrong.
If the approach you try doesn’t work, it’s not your last hope. It doesn’t mean you are doomed forever to be stuck in the same position you are now. But do you know what will doom you to stay there?
Doing absolutely nothing at all.
And if you stop to think about it, that’s even scarier than feeling. Which means you really have nothing to lose if you move forward.
What's this new "plan" you speak of? Hmm?
December 18, 2009
By: Guest Blogger Keena Hutchens
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Eve….this time of the year usually finds us with tons to do and never enough time to do it in. There’s a lot of hours put in to make sure that the holidays go off without a hitch from planning, decorating, shopping, coordinating schedules; it’s enough to wear you out. I tend to notice a lot of people around this time of year get so caught up in making sure everything is perfect that they don’t have time to enjoy it. Isn’t it sad that that all the things that are supposed to make the holidays fun get turned in to checking off a to-do list that we have to do rather than be activities we want to do? So many people just get so burned out and stressed out by the time everything’s done that they’re just waiting for the holidays to be over, especially when holiday chores are being piled on top of all the other responsibilities you have.
Why do we have this problem every year? Part of the reason is that we feel like we can’t say ‘no’ when people try to add to our to-do list; we feel guilty letting people down and don’t want to be perceived as ‘not up to the challenge’ or like a scrooge. Sometimes we think, ‘well someone has to do it, and if I don’t, it just won’t get done!’ And then there’s the little voice inside our heads that keep comparing what we do to everyone else: “the neighbors have more lights than we do, better put some more up”, “Sarah’s family is going skiing this year, why aren’t we taking a trip?”
I know that during the holiday season we’re barraged with messages of “it’s better to give than to receive” and to think of those who may not have as much as us. Those are very good messages that we need to be reminded of, but not at the cost of becoming so wrapped up in giving that we get become frustrated and irritable or we miss out on how fun this time of year can be. So this year, when you start to feel frazzled, I want you to remember to give time to yourself. Maybe some of the things on your to-do list don’t have to be done. Stop comparing what you do to everyone else; it’s your holidays and if you and your family enjoy them then it doesn’t really matter what the neighbors think. Ask for help even when you don’t think you need it, it makes others feel good to be useful and needed. But when you ask for help, you need to be willing to let that person handle things in their own way instead of nagging at them that they’re not doing it the “right” way; don’t micromanage your volunteers! Most importantly, take time out for yourself. Whether it’s an hour taking a bubble bath or (a personal favorite) really rocking out to songs on the radio (and yes, this often involves air guitar and head banging at stop lights on the way to wherever I’m going) take time to de-stress and let loose doing something that you enjoy. Just a few minutes of “me time” can make you feel refreshed and recharged to handle whatever holiday disaster that comes your way.
Keena is an intern at Meg Cline Coaching and a senior at Salem College. She is double majoring in Philosophy and Religion in order to learn about other’s perspectives on life. Her interest in life coaching comes from helping others realize what they want and how to get there.
November 18, 2009
When Keena and I started working on the November newsletter on gratitude, I really wanted to find an example of someone who had used a gratitude journal to change their life. Fortunately, an internet search for “gratitude journal changed my life” actually turned out to be quite fruitful.
We came across Carla’s website and her post on her a gratitude journal helped her shift her life. I got in touch with Carla and she was gracious enough to answer a few more questions about her experiences. I wasn’t able to include all of them in my post on gratitude, but I loved her story and her words so much I wanted to share them with you. Here’s the rest of my questions and her answers.
iPhone users, check out her applications – a gratitude journal app and a vision board app. This is now only about the 300th time I now wish I had an iPhone! Her blog can be found at here. You will feel this girl’s positivity radiate right out from your computer!
Carla White Q & A:
What first inspired you to start keeping a gratitude journal?
I was on a quest to get out of the funk I was in for two years since my dad suddenly passed away. I was trying everything but getting little results. Then I heard about gratitude journals on a pod cast and gave it a shot. At first it was really hard for me to come up with five things I’m grateful for. I was repeating the same things every day. But in a few weeks my life started to shift and my entries got longer and longer. In just a couple months my life changed completely.
· You mentioned a number of different benefits that you had from keeping your journal, including sleeping better, losing weight, having better personal relationships – do you still the effects of this now that’s it’s been a year later?
Amazingly I’ve been able to keep the weight off, I sleep better than ever and yes, my personal relationships are still going strong. It’s a snowball effect. Everything just seems to get bigger and better. This doesn’t mean I don’t have any issues or struggles in my life. Everyone does. I can handle them so much better and know not to let them get the best of me.
· Has anyone in your life asked your what “your secret was” and if so, do you know if they started a gratitude journal?
Just recently a close friend came to me and said she is going through a divorce. She said “As long as I’ve known you, you seem so together. How do you do it?” The truth is she met me before I started keeping a gratitude journal, but she doesn’t remember me with bags under my eyes, overweight and fed up. She and her daughter both started keeping a journal and it’s really helped them through this divorce so much. In fact, I’ve had quite a few people contact me saying that keeping a gratitude journal has helped them with losing a job, their home, a loved one. I’m so grateful I was able to create a way for others to start a journal so easily.
· I love your idea to make the gratitude journal for the iPhone . I’ve often heard it said that when you find the type of work that you are called to do, it doesn’t even feel like work. Obviously it took a lot of work and pieces of the puzzle for it to come together – were there any moments you questioned what you were doing?
I worked on the Gratitude Journal iPhone app from 5am – 7am before going into my day job and again at night when I got home. Yes, there were quite a few early mornings dragging myself out of bed wondering what sort of madness struck me. I would see other slick looking apps being launched by folks who have been in Silicon Valley and wonder what I was doing. I was in the middle of corn fields and didn’t even have an iPhone! But then I would go to work listening to the news on the radio about our economy and think to myself, “If I can get one person to turn around their life with a gratitude journal, it will be worth it.”
· I’ve read on your blog that you are a student of ‘the secret’ – do you remember the moment when you realized you were coming from a place of negative energy instead of positive energy? What was that aha moment like for you?
It took me quite a while to figure that out. I was on the brink of losing my job, interviewing with a dozen companies none of which resulted in a job offer. I was frustrated thinking, “I’m sending out positive thoughts, why aren’t any of these job coming together for me?” After awhile I realized that the energy I was putting out there wasn’t positive. It was desperate and negative. I started to telling myself little affirmations like “I love life, life loves me,” and “money comes often and easy.” Everyday all day I would say these together with little bits of thanks. It seems like the more I gave thanks, the more the universe gave me to be thankful for. My intentions changed from desperate wishes (like winning the lottery) to soul goals. I wanted to do something that is the highest and best interest for me and those around me. To give back. And again, the more I gave back, the more the universe gave me.
· What message do you share with those who are skeptical about the power of gratitude?
I want to tell them they’re right to be skeptical. I was too. The idea that writing down a few things each day will change my life seemed ridiculous. Especially in an age when we’re told you need to spend a lot of money and time to change. And we need to top it off with some prescription medicine too. I’ll be honest with you. It won’t work if you only do it here and there for a couple days. You need to do it everyday for at least one month. A shift will happen. It most likely won’t be in the way that you imagine it to. But that’s ok. Trust that the universe is working for you and it will. Just keep telling it what you’re thankful for so it knows what to keep giving you. You’re having a conversation with the universe all day anyway, why not take control of it?
· What’s your next project?
My career is delving deeper into spirituality the power of the universe. I’m working with some incredible life coaches, creating more life improving iPhone apps, and have a couple writing projects in the works. I’m also helping others get their apps off the ground through books, presentations and coaching. Everyday more and more opportunity comes knocking on my door – quite a difference from just a year ago when I was desperate for find a job!
