Meg Cline

August 3, 2010

Lessons From Obedience School

Sitting on the car seat next to me is 3 pages of detailed, hand-written notes.  I keep eye-balling them suspiciously.  They’re coming home with me but I haven’t fully decided what happens after that.  These are notes I took today during a call with a dog behavioral trainer named Karen.  I could tell immediately when talked to Karen that she knew what she was talking about and that the program she was walking me through would work.  You know, your gut will tell you when someone is being a snake charmer and when they are truly passionate and knowledgeable, and Karen was definitely the second.

If you read the “life” section of my blog, then you probably know about my dog Buddy.  We got Buddy as a five year old rescue last year, not fully realizing the extent of his separation anxiety.  It’s been a challenging year – cleaning “bio-hazardous” materials out of many surfaces of my home, putting my sewing skills to the test to repair curtains, filling scratches in dry wall and last but not least, repairing teeth.  (I did not repair the teeth, of course… paying for them to be repaired.)  We’ve tried many different strategies, including both medicinal and multiple behavioral strategies but hadn’t had a great deal of progress in the year we had owned him.  And of course, we had fallen head over paws in love with him so there was no going back – we’re pretty desperate to help our Buds.

I could tell immediately upon talking to Karen that her plan had the potential to be very effective.  So why was I glancing over at my copious pile of notes with something that could only be described as hesitation?

To tell you the truth, Karen’s plan sounded like a lot of work.  Not hours upon hours and not “miss a day and fail” but definitely consistent, daily effort.  It would require a lifestyle change.  And I couldn’t help but wonder, were Matt and I ready to commit to that kind of change?  But wait… didn’t we desperately want this outcome?  Didn’t I say I would do anything to make this happen?  Didn’t I swear if Cesar would come visit me, I would pay for his plane ticket from LA?

It occurred to me that perhaps what I was feeling was similar to what many of my clients might feel when it first dawns on them that the outcome they so desperately want, would do anything for is going to require consistent, daily effort.  A lifestyle change.

Whether it’s weight loss, a career change, creating a less stressful lifestyle or altering an anxious doggy’s behavior, we know intuitively it’s going to take effort.  So how come when we hold a plan in our hot little hands we often balk?

At first glance, it seems a simple cost vs. benefit analysis.  Do I want the outcome (benefit) bad enough to invest the time, money or effort (cost) that it will take to get there?  The urgency of our desire weighs into that equation – if you have 10 pounds to lose, do you want the outcome less than someone who has 80 pounds?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  And some of it depends on the cost: if it took 10 minutes a day, would you be more willing to move forward more readily than if it took 40 minutes a day?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

I’ve seen both of sides of that equation surprise me: I’ve seen people move forward at great cost, and halt at seemingly trivial costs. I’ve seen those with little sense of urgency blaze forward, and the most desperate freeze up.  It leads me to believe there’s more at play than a simple cost vs. benefits.

I think what really determines whether or not we move forward with a plan is our readiness to face something big: the fear of failure.  What if I invest the time and the money and the effort… and it doesn’t work?  What if I fail miserably?  What if I disappoint myself?  What if I disappoint others?  Embarrass myself?  Frustrate myself?  Fear of failure rears it’s ugly voice and says: “It won’t work.  It won’t be enough.  It won’t last.  Don’t try it.”

What holds us back is not our lack of urgency, not the size of the goal and not even the cost, be it time, money or effort.  What holds us back is our fear of failing.  Look deeply into whatever change you’ve been desperately wanting to make.  If you’ve stopped and started, or never started, or started and wavered – peel back some of the layers and look fear right in the eyes.  (It often backs down when you do this.)  Ask yourself, what do I really have to lose?  Maybe some time.  Maybe some money.  Maybe some ego.  But if I succeed, what do I gain?  Not just the outcome you want, but that swagger that comes from moving past the boundary lines you’ve drawn for yourself.

If you don’t try it, then you can always blame being in the same place on that – not making any effort.  You can always hold the thought in your back of your head “well one day, when I’m ready…. But until then, at least I know why I’m here.”  If you try a plan and it doesn’t work, then what?  What if you invest the time and the money and the effort and it’s not the right one?  THEN WHAT?

A week ago, I didn’t know Karen existed.  I thought I had exhausted every behavioral strategy (and medicinal strategy) for treating a dog with separation anxiety.  I felt like I had read every book, every article, every perspective on rehabbing an anxious dog.  I was wrong.

If the approach you try doesn’t work, it’s not your last hope.  It doesn’t mean you are doomed forever to be stuck in the same position you are now.  But do you know what will doom you to stay there?

Doing absolutely nothing at all.

And if you stop to think about it, that’s even scarier than feeling.  Which means you really have nothing to lose if you move forward.

December 18, 2009

On Your Gift List: You

By: Guest Blogger Keena Hutchens

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Eve….this time of the year usually finds us with tons to do and never enough time to do it in. There’s a lot of hours put in to make sure that the holidays go off without a hitch from planning, decorating, shopping, coordinating schedules; it’s enough to wear you out. I tend to notice a lot of people around this time of year get so caught up in making sure everything is perfect that they don’t have time to enjoy it. Isn’t it sad that that all the things that are supposed to make the holidays fun get turned in to checking off a to-do list that we have to do rather than be activities we want to do? So many people just get so burned out and stressed out by the time everything’s done that they’re just waiting for the holidays to be over, especially when holiday chores are being piled on top of all the other responsibilities you have.

Why do we have this problem every year? Part of the reason is that we feel like we can’t say ‘no’ when people try to add to our to-do list; we feel guilty letting people down and don’t want to be perceived as ‘not up to the challenge’ or like a scrooge. Sometimes we think, ‘well someone has to do it, and if I don’t, it just won’t get done!’ And then there’s the little voice inside our heads that keep comparing what we do to everyone else: “the neighbors have more lights than we do, better put some more up”, “Sarah’s family is going skiing this year, why aren’t we taking a trip?”

I know that during the holiday season we’re barraged with messages of “it’s better to give than to receive” and to think of those who may not have as much as us. Those are very good messages that we need to be reminded of, but not at the cost of becoming so wrapped up in giving that we get become frustrated and irritable or we miss out on how fun this time of year can be. So this year, when you start to feel frazzled, I want you to remember to give time to yourself. Maybe some of the things on your to-do list don’t have to be done. Stop comparing what you do to everyone else; it’s your holidays and if you and your family enjoy them then it doesn’t really matter what the neighbors think. Ask for help even when you don’t think you need it, it makes others feel good to be useful and needed. But when you ask for help, you need to be willing to let that person handle things in their own way instead of nagging at them that they’re not doing it the “right” way; don’t micromanage your volunteers! Most importantly, take time out for yourself. Whether it’s an hour taking a bubble bath or (a personal favorite) really rocking out to songs on the radio (and yes, this often involves air guitar and head banging at stop lights on the way to wherever I’m going) take time to de-stress and let loose doing something that you enjoy. Just a few minutes of “me time” can make you feel refreshed and recharged to handle whatever holiday disaster that comes your way.

 

Keena is an intern at Meg Cline Coaching and a senior at Salem College.  She is double majoring in Philosophy and Religion in order to learn about other’s perspectives on life.  Her interest in life coaching comes from helping others realize what they want and how to get there.